Attachment Theory IRL: A Personal Exploration of Triggers, Growth, and Safe Love
Raise your hand if:
You need constant reassurance or you start emotionally spiraling.
You get physically nauseous if you feel like someone’s mood shifted or that they don't like you anymore.
You relate a little too much to Carrie Bradshaw (trapped in a situationship with someone who doesn't wanna commit).
Your heart starts racing when someone’s taking "too long" to respond, but it’s only been 12 minutes.
You’ve gotten confused for a doormat, since you let people walk all over you.
You replay convos in your head like FBI footage
No? Can’t relate?
How about this:
You get the ick when people are overly emotional.
You love your independence and need a lot of space.
You genuinely don’t understand why people want to text all day.
You feel smothered when someone wants to spend too much time with you.
You’ve been told you “seem distant” or “hard to read.”
You get annoyed when someone expects too much from you, even if you really like them.
You take a step back when things start feeling too serious.
Sound more like you? Welcome to the avoidant club.
First set of questions resonate with you more?
Well my dear, that would make you an anxious attacher- like ~me.
In the past few months, I’ve gotten super into the psychology behind attachment styles.
Basically, your attachment style is based on two things: how much you value independence, and how much you fear being abandoned (Fraley et al., 2011). Where you fall on that spectrum influences how you seek closeness, handle conflict, and respond to emotional needs. These patterns are formed in early childhood—based on how consistent, loving, or confusing your caregivers were—and influence how we connect with romantic partners, friends, and even family.
Basically, it’s what we learned as babies- and how that’s either gonna f*ck up our shit for the rest of our lives or set us up for healthy relationships. (grreatt…)
Anyway….
We all think our relationships are sooo unique, right?
Twin flames, soulmates, star-crossed lovers who keep finding their way back to each other.
No one understands what we have. The passion. The intensity. The breakups and makeups. Calling off an engagement but still having a baby together.
Wait what?-
Okay, that was probably wayy too specific to Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. But even if your relationship isn’t a chaotic, on-again-off-again mess, it still feels unique, right? Everything feels deeply personal when you’re in it. Whether you’re just talking, dating, or in a long term relationship.
But if you zoom out—if you understand these dynamics—you start to see the patterns. It’s not fate, it’s not some cosmic force. It’s just psychology. Someone is triggering some unresolved sh*t from your childhood that you haven’t quite escaped yet.
Sorry- too real?
Quick disclaimer: I’m not a therapist. I don’t have a psychology degree and won’t pretend to be an expert. But! I ~do read, listen, and learn from people who are a whole lot smarter than me: therapists, researchers… even TikTokers.
My goal? To take what they’ve figured out, put it in a way that’s actually digestible (and Inshallah, fun to read), and hope you walk away understanding yourself—and other people—a little bit better.
And maybe, just maybeee, you’ll use it to navigate your relationships (and your life) with a little more clarity.
Now! A little ~background before we get to the juicy stuff. For those who care about my intellectual boner right now… (Or just skip ahead, lol. Full disclosure: It will be like an academic paper, but better.)
Who came up with this shit? (Existing research and literature)
The first person to seriously study attachment was John Bowlby, a British psychologist and psychoanalyst. He didn’t define attachment styles the way we know them today (that was Mary Ainsworth), but he was the first to basically say, “Heyy, maybe mommy and daddy issues can f*ck these kids up and shape how they experience future relationships” (Bowlby, 1969).
I’m mega paraphrasing here, because that shit was dense. But in short, he believed that early caregiving relationships shape our expectations of how others will treat us. These expectations become our Internal Working Models—aka the emotional blueprints we develop about ourselves and relationships (Bowlby, 1982).
Those early models quietly influence how we see ourselves (lovable or not), what we expect from others (safe or unreliable), and how we respond to intimacy—even when we don’t realize it.
Think of them as emotional "if/then" statements we pick up on as lil babes. “If I’m upset, then someone will comfort me.” Or “If I express my feelings, then I’ll be ignored.”
And over time, those "if/then" patterns turn into bigger beliefs—about others and about ourselves.
Like:
“People are reliable, love is safe, and I am worthy of care.”
“Relationships are unstable, trust is fragile, and I’m not lovable.”
Basically, our earliest relationships create the “default settings” for how we handle intimacy, connection, and the occasional emotional breakdown.
Mary Ainsworth, a developmental psychologist and researcher, took it a step further. In the ‘70s, she ran the Strange Situation experiment—basically a mildly traumatic game of “Will Your Mom Come Back?”—to observe how babies reacted when their caregivers left and returned (Ainsworth et al., 1978). From that, she identified the three distinct attachment styles we know today: secure, anxious, and avoidant. (A fourth, fearful-avoidant, was added later.)
Okay, Nayomi. F*ck them kids. How is this gonna help my dating life?
I’m getting there, I promise… (damn, this Tiktok 3 second attention span generation…)
Psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver were the first to apply these ideas to adult romantic relationships. In their ~groundbreaking 1987 study, Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process, they found that the emotional bonds we form with romantic partners in adulthood mirror the attachments we formed with our primary caregivers as children—bridging the gap between Bowlby’s theory and real-world dating behavior (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
They found that:
Secure adults find it easier to trust and depend on others.
Anxious adults worry their partners don’t love them enough or might leave.
Avoidant adults feel uncomfortable getting too close and value independence.
Basically, they gave us the key to understanding how attachment affects our romantic relationships—and set the foundation for countless other researchers to follow.
Now that we know where they came from (and that I didn’t pull this out of my ass), let’s get into what they actually mean for your relationships.
Cool, thanks for the literature review (that absolutely no one asked for).
The Anxious/ Avoidant Cycle (You’re welcome.)
Anxious attachers crave closeness and constant reassurance. Avoidants, on the other hand, value independence and tend to withdraw when they feel overwhelmed. And wouldn’t you know it, these two styles are often magnetically drawn to each other, creating the ultimate push-pull dynamic: anxious reaches in, avoidant pulls away. Anxious pulls back, and suddenly the avoidant finds them fascinating again. Rinse and repeat.
Alright, let’s visualize this.
Hold out your hands, palms facing each other, just a few inches apart—like you’re making a field goal.
For my non-American readers: picture two wickets. And if you don’t give a shit about sports, just imagine showing someone your ideal high heel height… or, I don’t know, how big your favorite novel is. (I am really an inclusive b*tch.)
Now:
Your left hand is the avoidant attacher.
Your right hand is the anxious attacher.
Tilt both hands to the left, like windshield wipers. The avoidant leans away, creating space. The anxious follows, chasing.
At first, the anxious person leans in harder. They try. They reach. They overthink every move, searching for something, anything, to pull the avoidant back in.
But eventually, they feel exhausted, frustrated.
The slow, sinking realization sets in that they’re the only one trying (Cringe.)
So, finally, they lean away.
Now keep your left hand where it is, and straighten your right hand or tilt it slightly to the right.
And suddenly…
Boom
The avoidant doesn’t like that. They finally got the space they were craving… but wait. Where’d all the attention go???
Suddenly, they’re reeling it back in. With room to breathe, they start to miss the connection.
They start leaning back in towards the anxious attacher.
And just like that, the anxious attacher is hooked again.
But the anxious person’s need for reassurance, connection, and emotional closeness starts to feel overwhelming to the avoidant. It triggers their fear of being trapped, so they instinctively lean away again.
And the cycle starts over.
Does this sound familiar?? Are you having an ah-ha moment?? (I did.)
And let’s be clear: Attachment styles exist on a spectrum. Some people are highly anxious or highly avoidant, while others score lower on either and lean closer to secure attachment, (I’ll get to that).
So being anxiously attached doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a stage-five clinger. Sometimes, it just means wanting more. More consistency, more closeness, more commitment. And even that can feel like too much for an avoidant who prioritizes space and freedom.
But just the same, being avoidant doesn’t mean you’re incapable of love or doomed to be alone forever. It doesn’t mean you’ll never commit, or feel secure in a relationship. It just means closeness can feel overwhelming at times, and when the pressure builds, your instinct is to create distance.
So there you go. The cycle keeps looping. Anxious people crave closeness. Avoidants crave space. And when both people keep reacting to each other’s triggers, the push-pull dynamic never stops. At least not until you become aware of it.
Have you been enlightend? (yes)
Ready to see how this stuff has played out in my own life?
(Doiiii- that’s what you’re here for right!? My dating stories??)
Breadcrumbs & Memes: A Casual Situationship
Alright, so I’m gonna give you a couple examples. One about a guy I was casually seeing—and a few from my current relationship.
I know!! I haven’t talked about him with you guys yet, but it’s too relevant not to.
So I was seeing this guy pretty casually, let’s call him John Doe. We always had fun together, but it was pretty clear it wasn’t going anywhere.
We texted semi-consistently. A few times a week, maybe. But every day-
I got a meme.
And every day, I ate that shit up.
"aww, that’s nice. He’s thinking of me!" (My anxious attachment, absolutely thriving off the smallest possible sliver of validation.)
Girrrllll. Be so f*cking for real… it was just a meme. LOL.
That’s way below the bare minimum.
But still… I was happy.
(Well, most of the time.)
Every day, I’d think:
“Maybe tomorrow he won’t send me one.”
“When will this fizzle out?”
“Does he actually like me?”
“Why would he send me things if he didn’t?”
Textbook anxious attachment behavior.
Overthinking
Reading into everything
Constantly wondering where you stand
Feeling like you have to earn someone’s affection instead of just receiving it
Now, I do feel responsible to make clear that just because I have an anxious attachment, it does not mean all women do. It’s easy to assume women = anxious and men = avoidant, but those gender differences are superr small and don’t really impact how attachment plays out (Feeney, 2016).
Okay back to the story.
I’d be ecstatic when he texted me—then immediately feel like I’d lost all my power the second I replied.
The ball was in his court, and I was just waiting for him to pass it back.
Sure, sometimes he’d text me enthusiastically.
But looking back? When someone’s hot and cold texting you… just know the person they’d rather be texting hasn’t replied yet—and they’re bored..
OOF. Ouch.
Swallow the pill. (Imagine I’m holding your hand while saying that)
For a while, the meme-a-day routine and a few texts a week worked. Kept me just engaged enough. A little dopamine hit here, a little false hope there.
But eventually, I realized what was happening.
I was being breadcrumbed.
My messages got shorter. I took a little longer to respond. I stopped texting first.
And slowly… I started losing interest.
The Attention Loop: When Avoidants Pull You Back In
And then?
Abracadabraaaa
Amor, oo na na
Abra-ca-da-bra
Morta-oo-GAAAGAA.
Sorry, I haaaaaad to. (I ♥️ Lady Gaga)
He showed up again.
He sent me a picture of sneakers in the back seat of a car.
John: Are these your shoes?
Sir.
I had left my shoes at his place once, but they were pretty beat up. I didn’t feel like packing them, so I said he could just throw them away. He felt bad to throw them, so he said he’d see if anyone wanted them.
The last time we saw each other in London, he told me his sister took them.
I knew it. He knew it.
III knew he knew it.
He knew, that I knew, that he knew it.
You know what I mean???
Unless he literally had memory loss (which I highly doubt).
So why the random message?
This wasn’t a sneaker retrieval mission.
Me: Yeah, of course, those are my beloved Cole Haans!
John: My sister has them now
Me: You already told me in London
John: I just saw them in the car and thought of you.
Now, sir...
You don’t wanna to date me. You don’t even wanna see me. And that’s toootally fine.
I swear, I have no anger, no resentment, no bitterness toward this guy. I’ve dated way crazier love bombers who promised me the world and didn’t deliver.
He was a nice person, we just weren’t a match. I can accept that.
But why the need to keep in touch?…
What did he get out of it?
We already know what I got out of it.
There were definitely other times before this where I started noticing the pattern. But this time?
It was so obvious. So blatantly obvious.
He didn’t want me.
He just wanted my attention.
So if an avoidant person pops back up in your life again, it’s not that they suddenly, ~miraculously “realized” how amazing you are (sorry). It’s just attachment patterns playing out. The moment an anxious person stops feeding an avoidant with attention, the avoidant starts craving it again.
The Visualization You Didn’t Know You Needed
Do I have a solution for this?
Yes- pay me a million dollars to save you a lifetime of therapy.
Kiddiiiinggg! (… imagine… lol)
Well, maybe I can just help you visualize your situation better. We’re doing a lot of visualization exercises today, aren’t we?
If you’re the anxious attacher, picture this: your avoidant bae is in a car. Or on a horse. Whatever works for your cinematic universe.
Now imagine you have a knife in your hand, and a rope tied around your feet, and they’re dragging you all around town with their horse or car or whatever. And as your ass is getting dragged around, every once in a while, they look back at you and say “you doin’ okay back there?“
And you’re thinking, “b*tch no, wtf? Why would I be okay right now?”
But you’re just happy they’re acknowledging to you.
You keep hoping, dreaming, one day, they’ll let you in the car, or on the horse. (They won’t.) Until then, you settle for the occasional check in. After all, if they didn’t want you around, they’d just cut the rope right? (Wrong.)
And the entire time, you forget that you have the knife in your hand and can cut yourself loose.
The avoidant isn’t going to give you closure you're looking for. Why would they? They’ve got exactly what they want- your attention. So at some point, you have to pause and ask yourself: why the f*ck am I okay with this?
And the thing is… it’s probably not even about them. It’s about you. It’s tapping into that unhealed childhood wound that’s got you thinking affection isn’t freely given — it’s a prize you have to chase. And that fear of being abandoned or rejected, keeps you holding on… not because they’re actually that great, but because letting go feels worse.
Okay so… I guess that’s a good example of an anxious-avoidant cycle in the talking stage or casual dating, and how to (try to) get yourself out of it.
But what about couples who find themselves in this dynamic?
Most do.
Like we said, opposites attract. And when the willingness is there, they can actually break through the courting phase and build a real relationship. And like I mentioned earlier, it’s a spectrum- you can score lower on anxiety or avoidance, but still lean toward one side (Fraley et al., 2011).
So let’s say you’re in a relationship.
You love each other. You both want to make it work.
Then what? You cut the rope and float away?
Obviously not. I mean… that depends on how avoidant they are, and how well they meet your needs.
Two Styles, One Relationship
What I’m talking about is: how do you actually minimize the stress that comes up when you and your partner have different attachment styles?
Again, I can’t give you ~professionAL advice, but I can definitely tell you what I’ve learned from experience.
So- should I finally tell you guys about my mans?? (I’m blushing already.)
(Don’t worry, I’m keeping this on-topic. He’ll get the full nayday experi~ance when we dive into our dates)
Sooo… I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now. And it’s been the most blissful, peaceful, safe, and genuinely wonderful relationship I’ve ever been in.
When we first started dating, he was absolutely always consistent. He texted consistently, I saw him consistently, I never wondered or worried about how he felt about me. He felt so secure, and confident in himself. He had a great job, a beautiful apartment with custom-made furniture, and a gym routine. Everything about him felt intentional—like he actually had his life together. He wasn’t overly obsessed with me (rude…), he was just a very secure person.
Thoughtful and attentive, he always seemed one step ahead of what I needed. He planned the sweetest dates, communicated with care and clarity, and had this calm, grounded maturity that made me feel instantly safe.
So, he seemed to have a very secure attachment style, even if I didn’t know what a secure attachment style meant at the time.
As I got to know him better with time, I obviously saw more depth to him and more sides of him.
As a person, he’s naturally… a little guarded. He has strong boundaries, a healthy sense of self-worth without a drop of arrogance, and doesn’t need or seek much external validation. He tends to keep most people—colleagues, friends, extended family- at arm’s length. He really hates feeling suffocated or like his space isn’t being respected.
He always tells me how his colleague (also a friend) playfully nudges him, and he’s always like, “Bro, stop touching me.”
So yeah, he definitely leans-
What have we learned? Let’s say it together…
Avoidant.
I would actually say he’s generally secure, and leans slightly avoidant. In my humble, non-expert opinion.
That said, when he gets home from work and needs to decompress (usually with a bath- he’s very passionate about boiling himself in hot water), if I don’t feel like joining (I’m less passionate about that), he’ll still ask me to come sit in the bathroom. Just to talk, or read, or hang out next to him.
Of course I love that he wants me close. It’s thoughtful, tender, and yeah, I’m sure my anxious attachment finds it very validating.
But there’s no denying we have two different attachment styles, and it’s something we have to navigate. Honestly… thankfully, we haven’t had to give it too much thought or effort. It’s been… pretty natural. Thank God.
I guess his slight avoidance is compatible with my slight anxiety and we match each other’s freak??
But I can see how not knowing or understanding your partners attachment style can cause stress in the relationship.
About a month into our relationship, it was around Christmas time, and I was out shopping with a friend. I had the idea to get him something festive for his apartment. I’m not a big gift giver—it’s not really my love language—but we were spending a lot of time at his place, and I thought it might be cute to add a little holiday spirit.
At first, I was thinking about what he’d like and what would match his space. Everything in his apartment was so thoughtfully put together, and I didn’t want to disrupt the vibe.
...Should I just check with him first?
Maybe I didn’t want him to feel like I was overstepping, or think I felt entitled to his space. I mean, I’m the kind of person who’d appreciate that gesture—but not everyone would. I don’t know... maybe it was instinct or intuition.
Either way, to avoid any weirdness, I texted him:
Me: Hi babe! I’m out shipping with Martina… question, can I get you something ~festive ✨ for your apt? I don’t wanna intrude on your space but I think it’s kind of cute
MM (mytery man): If you think it’s something I’ll like I fully trust u :)
MM: You know my taste so :))
Me: 😅😅 so much pressure .. ahh i know you like cool tones and neutrals and it’s not exactly that but it’s nice anyway .. and temporary
(my anxiety thinking if I pick something he doesn’t like, i’ll have failed as a girlfriend)
MM: 😂 no pressure really! No for real don’t overthink ♥️
I picked out a candle and a little mini Christmas tree, like one that you would put on a table as decor. Didn’t wanna get anything too big.
Anyway, when I got to his house that night, he was already preparing dinner for us. I took my little gifts out of the bag…
“Oookay.. hope you like them.”
I was part shy, part nervous, part excited.
MM: Nayy, thank you so much, you didn’t have to! I love them.
He hugged me and gave me a kiss.
(Whew)
I sat down at the table while he was serving our plates.
Me: Yayy, I’m so glad! Honestly I was a little nervous. I just didn’t want you to feel like I was taking over your space. I know it’s your apartment.
He was pouring us some wine, and very casually, gave me some insight to how he works.
Me: Noo, I don’t want you to feel that way! I did appreciate that you asked. You didn’t have to, but I guess I ~am a bit protective of my space. But you’re a part of the apartment now too.
Oh…
Am I ??
If I think about it, and this is just speculation, but I think just giving him that little room, that acknowledgment that it was his space, that I was nott coming in hot with a hostile takeover… I think put him at ease a bit? And because of that, he was wayy more receptive to actually including me in his space. Just a month later, it was “our apartment.” He was adamant I called it that. If I ever said “his” apartment, he’d say “Ourrr apartment amore, it’s your home too. I want to make sure you feel it”
When Old Wounds Get Triggered (and What I Did About It)
I can think of the first—and only—time I ever questioned his loyalty. Looking back, it feels silly. It had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my own anxiety and past trauma.
He’d been open, honest, and transparent with me from day one.
I think it was the fifth time we ever hung out—I was at his place, redoing my resume, he was ironing, and we were listening to music. I asked if I could play a song (he was connected to Alexa), and he said, “Yeah, my phone’s right next to you, go ahead.”
?…
What now?
I looked at him confused. He wanted me to get into his phone and change it myself?
I hesitated for a second, then got up to hand him his phone.
MM: No, you can do it. 1029
(brain loading)
Me: What?
MM: That’s my code
Wellll okayyy then. Wow, that was a refreshing amount of transparency.
I mean, the guy never gave me a reason to doubt him. Ever.
Three months into our relationship, we were still going super strong, no fizzle out, no end to the honeymoon phase; if anything, more into each other than before.
It was a Saturday afternoon, he was putting in some laundry and we were talking, about something (don’t remember what), and he told me to look something up on his phone. I logged in and whatsapp was open. I wasn’t snooping—I swear. But I couldn’t help noticing there were 12 archived messages. (you know when you can see the number in that little corner of unread archived messages?)
Panic.
What the fuck are those.
I’ve been in his whatsapp before, withh his permission obviously (him asking me to text a friend back if he’s driving or whatever). And I’ve never, everrr seen any messages in his archive, and definitely not so many.
Who is messaging him??
Why did he archive it??
Is he hiding something from me?….
No… that’s completely out of character for him.
I trust him.
But I’ve been cheated on before (trauma)
I’ve been blindsided.
No... This is different. He would never. It goes against literally everything he believes in. I trust him. I have to trust him, that’s the foundation of a relationship. I gotta chill…
I remember, besides of course being scared as f*ck, my second biggest feeling was, super embarrassed and kind of disappointed in myself. I thought I had healed this part of me. It was yearsss ago. I never even thought about it anymore. I really thought I had gotten over it. I had! But now… all those feelings of anxiety flooded back.
Was I tempted to look? Maybe for a second.
(If you feel like you need to check your partner’s phone… just break up.)
What’s the point of being with someone you don’t fully trust.
Anyway, I didn’t look. I tried to shake it off, and for the most part, I did. The day went on—he was as sweet and wonderful as ever. I’ve said already that he’s consistent, stable, mature… but I haven’t mentioned he’s also funny, romantic, and hot as f*ck. And weaved into the consistency and stability of our day to day life, is so much laughter, so many inside jokes, and some spontaneity. Life with him is so good, sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming.
But- even with all that, my unhealed shit was still there.
Later that night, while he took a shower, I was in bed, and his phone was on the bed right next to me. Staring me in the face. The temptation was there but it was overshadowed by embarrassment. Whyyy did this affect me so much?? I was in a good place. I was in a good relationship.
Whyyy am I letting my old shit get to me???
No. I’m gonna talk to him.
Even if it’s gonna be soooo embarrassing. And maybe… I’m gonna find out something I’m not gonna like.
Uggghhh… What if he judges me for being insecure...
This is horrible. I really thought I was over this.
I was so f*cking nervous.
Things were going great, but it was still early in our relationship. We were still learning about each other. I didn’t know how he’d react!
He came out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist, looking sexy af, and smelling soooo good. I was in my matching pajamas feeling very unsexy and very vulnerable. He took one look at me-
MM: Amore, what’s wrong? Where’s your smile?
I forced a smile… but a dead eye smile. It was obvious I was holding in something.
I have to talk to you about something, but I’m a little embarrassed about it.
MM: Amore… (he looked worried) What is it? You can tell me anything.
He laid on the bottom of the bed and put my foot in his hand. That little touch, that little contact... it was so comforting to me.
Me: Okay, I have a confession…
He softly caressed my foot with one hand as he attentively listened.
Me: Earlier today, when you asked me to check something on your phone… I saw your whatsapp… And … I saw there were some messages in your archived chat. And I’ve never seen that before. And, it made me nervous. And I’m not proud about it, but I almost wanted to check. Of course I didn’t, and I trust you, and I’m so embarrassed that it’s probably things from my past relationship that are coming up, but I wanted to tell you how I’m feeling. And I don’t want you to show me anything. I’m absolutely not asking you to. You shouldn’t have to prove anything. That’s your thing, and… I trust you. But… I think I just need some reassurance... Maybe just to hear from you that we’re good and I don’t have anything to worry about. Or... a hug… or something? I don’t know. I just… wanted you to know how I’m feeling. And… I hope you don’t judge me for feeing this way…
I was tearing up, my voice was cracking… I was being realllly f*cking vulnerable.
He lightly squeezed my foot, and rubbed my shins.
MM: Amore… I’m so sorry you were feeling that way. You didn’t let it show the whole day.
Me: I knoww… I was trying not to bring it up or ruin our day...
He scooched his phone closer to me.
MM: You can look baby.
Me: NO, are you crazy?
MM: Yes! Look! I want you to.
Me: No. That defeats the purpose of trust. You don’t havee to show me anything.
MM: I know I don’t haveee to. I want to.
Me: I already feel better, I just wanted to talk to you.
I curled up next to him and kissed him so he could feeel how okay I was.
MM: Babyy, please. Look. I want you to feel certain there’s nothing for you to worry about.
Me: Noooo. I feel reassured. That’s all I needed.
He playfully rolled his eyes and unlocked his phone and handed it to me.
I guess maybe a part of me felt like it was less intrusive if he unlocked it? Idk.
MM: Dai (come on in Italian). We’ll look together.
I clicked on WhatsApp, took a deep breath, and opened his archived messages. (You never know. Some people lie right to the very end. That’s on Trauma <3)
Surf School Fuerteventura 2023
*blink blink
He clicked open the group chat and scrolled through the messages.
MM: It’s my group chat from Fuerte, from the surf school. We all stay in touch so if one of us is ever travelling and near someone else and we want to surf together, we’re still connected. But sometimes they write in the group a lot, and I hate seeing the messages pop up, so I just archived it so I can still stay in the group.
Well, I felt a weight off my chest.
Of courseee it was nothing. Of course there was a reasonable explanation for it. I was so proud of the way we handled that. I was so proud of the way I handled that!
I KNOW, if I crashed out… it would have gone very differently. If I made any accusations, if I invaded his privacy, if I demanded he show me the messages…. if my fear of betrayal, rejection, abandonment took over, and suffocated him at the same time… he would have just thought I was absolutely crazy. Instead of bringing him closer to me, I would have pushed him away, he would have been majorly freaked out and gotten the ick by my overbearingness. The whole thing would have gone in another direction. But unlike a highly avoidant person, he wouldn’t miss me once I was gone. Or maybe he would, but he wouldn’t be inclined to actually bring me back into his life.
Again, this is why I think he’s mostly secure and leans toward avoidant. He has a zero tolerance for drama of any kind. He’s almost like so secure in himself, that if someone comes into his life and makes it worse in any way… he would metaphorically show them the door.
Which is kind of good and prevents any kind of downward spiral screaming match of “WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME” “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU INVADED MY PRIVACY” etc, etc…
It would just be like “Hey, trust is important to me and you’ve breached that, and I don’t think we’re very compatible, so we should stop seeing each other.”
Me (looking up): God, is this what having boundaries looks like?
That’s the thing about people who are mostly secure. They’re comfortable with intimacy, they don’t fear closeness or need to push people away. But they’re also totally fine walking away when something feels off. Since they don’t rely on anxiety-driven coping strategies, they’re less likely to get stuck in toxic cycles or chase relationships that don’t meet their needs (Fraley et al., 2011).
Again- it’s a spectrum and you can score lower on anxiety or avoidance but still lean towards one or the other. I did my best not to trigger his avoidance, to suffocate him with my anxiety, and he did his best to give me the reassurance I needed. And since he wasn’t forced to- he wanted to! Giving avoidants that little room to come to you… makes all the difference!
The Chicken or the Egg
But it’s also like… what comes first? The chicken or the egg?
I’ve done a lot of work on my anxious attachment style over the years. I’ve built up my self-confidence after leaving an unhealthy relationship, and through dating, I’ve learned so much—about boundaries, about my worth, about the kind of partner I want to be, and the kind I never want to be again.
But even when you’ve done the work, being in a relationship can still trigger old stuff. So what can you do? Try to avoid those triggers altogether? Or focus on how you respond when they come up? Probably a bit of both.
I’ve heard relationship coaches say that when an avoidant partner needs space during a conflict, the anxious one has to give it to them. Pushing for a resolution too soon only makes them pull away more. And that’s really hard to do! Because when your biggest fear is someone walking away (I know, it sounds desperate and pains me to admit), the hardest thing is to voluntarily give them that space.
So again… which comes first? The chicken or the egg?
Honestly, I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all answer.
Every couple is different. It depends on where each person falls on the spectrum, how strongly you lean anxious or avoidant, and how well you’re able to recognize and respond to each other’s triggers.
Healing in Real Time
For us-
In my own small ways, I try to make sure he never feels smothered—that he has his space and autonomy. I give him room to come to me. Like when I made it clear I wasn’t trying to invade his apartment or accuse him of anything when I felt insecure.
As for him, he sets the tone for our relationship—calm, loving, consistent, and free of judgment. With him, I don’t feel anxious, triggered, or on edge. I’m not walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel safe, seen, and genuinely appreciated. Actually—I feel like a star! He’s literally my biggest hype man.
If you love love, you’re gonna adoree this. If you’re a secret hater, or *highly avoidant, you’ll find it completely obnoxious.
Every day that we’re apart (like when I’m in America), I wake up to a good morning text. And without fail, I still get a mid-morning check-in; even when we’re living together and he’s literally coming home for lunch in two hours.
“Amore, how’s your morning going? I hope you’re good.”
“I’m so impressed, baby. You’ve been so productive!”
Every day, he tells me how beautiful I am— in person or over text. Usually both.
He surprises me constantly—I’ll find a charcuterie board, wine, and a sweet note when I’m done with interview prep.
He gives me his full attention the moment he walks through the door. If I’ve had a hard day, he sits next to me and listens.
He notices everything. He always makes me feel appreciated.
He cooks most days, unless I want to.
And at night, we unwind. Some days it's a massage, a spa night, or just cuddling on the couch. Then we brush our teeth side by side, read a few pages in bed, have our pillow talk, and fall asleep feeling grateful, grounded, and in love…
Sometimes, the growth happens in the quiet, everyday moments: the text you didn’t overthink, the space you gave, the reassurance you received.
So… did he “heal” my anxious attachment style?
Not really. (That’s not how it works.)
But I do feel so secure in our relationship. And while I’ve done the work to manage my anxiety, he’s done his part too.
He shows up every day with love, consistency, and emotional safety. He meets my needs before I even have to ask, and he does his best not to trigger my fears. Because of that, the anxious part of me shows up less and less. Sometimes, I almost forget it’s even there!
The attachment style doesn’t disappear—but the reaction does. And with enough emotional safety—and a lot of self-awareness—I’m slowly rewiring myself into a more secure person.
So when it gets put to the test— on a day he’s overstimulated or stressed and just needs a little space…
I’m okay.
(Old me would have thought, “Well, alright. It’s official: he hates me”)
And even when I offer to go into another room and catch up with a friend so he can have some time to himself (which I genuinely don’t mind at all), he still says I can sit next to him if I want.
On those nights, I’ll put one single finger on his leg—because that tiny bit of contact grounds me. It’s like my nervous system is saying, “He’s here. He’s not going anywhere. It’s okay.”
So we sit there, reading or watching TV, with my pointer finger awkwardly resting on him (lol), in our happy little compromise. Knowing that yeah, we’ve both got our quirks—but we’ll always try to meet each other where we are… and give each other exactly what we need.
Dating 101 Key Take Aways:
1) Understand your attachment style.
Are you more anxious, avoidant, or secure? Pay attention to how you respond to closeness, conflict, and uncertainty. It’s not a label—it’s a lens! Once you know it, you’ll start to see how it shows up in your thoughts, reactions, and dating patterns.
2) The anxious-avoidant cycle is real—but you’re not doomed. It’s one of the most common (and frustrating) dynamics. But when you recognize the loop, you give yourself the power to step out of it.
3) Safe love is steady love. Emotional safety doesn’t kill the spark—it is the spark. When your nervous system can relax, everything else flows better.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 2. Separation: Anxiety and Anger. Basic Books.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4), 664–678. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1982.tb01456.x
Feeney, J. A. (2016). Adult romantic attachment: Developments in the study of couple relationships. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Fraley, R. C., Hudson, N. W., Heffernan, M. E., & Segal, N. (2011). Are adult attachment styles categorical or dimensional? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(5), 874–886. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022898
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
