*Luigi Mangione— 26
*Disclaimer: This piece is intended for humor and entertainment purposes only and reflects my personal opinions. It’s not that deep.
Pros:
Hot
Rich
Ivy Leaguer
Activist
Insane jawline and abs
Helps the needy
Cons:
Alleged murderer
America is in shambles. I know it, you know it, your grandma’s book club knows it. We’re held together by the flimsiest duct tape of consumerism, memes, and iced coffee. Political divides? Check. Rampant capitalism? Oh, for sure. Hinge dates that feel like emotionally draining job interviews? Don’t even get me started. But somehow, amidst this dumpster fire of a nation, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Luigi Mangione is hot.
Not just regular hot—not the “works out three times a week and has a decent skincare routine” kind of hot. Luigi Mangione is the Michelangelo’s David but with better cheekbones and a more flexible moral compass kind of hot. He is the rare universal truth in a country where we can’t even agree on the shape of the Earth.
Let’s be honest: capitalism has failed us. We’re a society designed to squeeze every last drop of labor and money from our souls until we’re nothing but husks with bad Wi-Fi. And what do we get in return? Student debt, overpriced oat milk, and a healthcare system that charges $50 for a Band-Aid. It’s a scam, a racket, a rigged carnival game where the prize is depression. And the wildest part? America struts around like it’s the epitome of sophistication—but beneath the surface, we’re stumbling over basic necessities. While over 70 countries have figured out universal healthcare, we’re still debating whether people deserve affordable medical treatment. And don’t even get me started on how we’re the only developed country without universal healthcare for all citizens. The onlyy?? The ONLYYY !?? Say it isn’t so!! It’s embaaaarrrasing hunny, it is.
But Luigi? Luigi is the one thing capitalism can’t exploit. He’s not selling skinny teas on Instagram. He’s not launching an NFT collection called “Mangione’s Muscles” (even though, let’s be honest, we’d buy it).
Luigi Mangione isn’t just an aesthetic ideal though, he’s a smoldering monument to what’s good and pure in this world. His jawline is the cold side of a pillow; his smile is universal healthcare. But beyond the cheekbones and perfect teeth, Luigi stands for something. He’s got strong beliefs, sharp views, and the audacity to challenge systems that have failed us. Agree or disagree, or agree to disagree, on how he went about it- that’s fair. But you can’t say he didn’t stand for something.
After the last election, it seems like America couldn’t be more divided. Red versus blue, rural versus urban, pumpkin spice is good versus pumpkin spice is overrated. But here’s the thing: show a picture of Luigi Mangione to anyone—your conservative uncle who thinks Elon Musk should run for president, your liberal roommate who owns a “Tax the Rich” tote bag, even your perpetually unimpressed cat—and watch them swoon in synchronized thirst. Luigi Mangione is the dreamboat this country desperately needs. Honestly, why debate policy when we could all just agree that Luigi’s eyebrows deserve their own holiday?
Here’s the kicker: Luigi Mangione isn’t just a pretty face. He’s smart. Like, reallyy smart. Valedictorian of his high school class, Ivy League graduate, and fluent in more languages than Google Translate. And yes, he comes from money—like serious old-money vibes. But unlike the usual trust-fund crowd, Luigi Mangione has a soul cares about everyday people. He’s the kind of guy who uses his privilege to fight against the ultra-rich exploiting regular folk. Think of him as a modern-day Robin Hood, but with better hair. Instead of robbing stagecoaches, he was plotting to take down a predatory health insurance system, and could probably be found funding community programs or setting up scholarships for underprivileged kids in our collective daydreams. It’s almost unfair how someone can be this hot and this good at plotting to dismantle the US healthcare system, but that’s Luigi for you.
America has turned exploitation into an art form. We’ve commodified everything: our time, our labor, our Instagram captions. Even thirst itself has become a cash grab (cough-OnlyFans). But Luigi Mangione? He’s untouchable. He’s not hawking protein powders or discount codes for dubious dating apps. He’s just existing—an unattainable, jaw-dropping masterpiece who reminds us that sometimes, beauty is enough.
Yet, if capitalism could find a way to profit off him, it would. Imagine the Luigi Mangione Starter Pack: a premium cologne that smells like espresso (I’m working laaaaaate, ‘cuz I’m a shooterrr) and danger, a workout guide called “The Mangione Method: Sculpting Democracy One Ab at a Time,” and a cookbook featuring recipes you’ll never cook but will display prominently on your counter. And you know what? We’d eat it up because we’re suckers for beauty in a system that denies us joy.
In a divided America, Luigi Mangione is the one thing that bridges the gap. He’s our bipartisan thirst trap, our beacon of hope, our collective daydream. If America needs a unifying figure, it’s not another politician. It’s not a billionaire tech bro. It’s Luigi Mangione in a perfectly tailored suit, smirking as he walks toward you in slow motion. He’s the embodiment of every good thing this country could be if we just got our act together—if we cared a little more about each other, if greed didn’t run the show, if we weren’t so obsessed with squeezing every drop of profit out of everything.
So here’s my proposal: Luigi Mangione for President (of our hearts). Let’s fix America, but let’s do it while staring at Luigi Mangione. Because if his perfectly symmetrical face and soul-piercing gaze can’t bring us together, what can? And if nothing else, at least we’ll be well-hydrated from all the thirst.
Anyway… my verdict?
GUILTY. (Of being too hot!)
Dating 101 Key Take Aways:
No matter how hot you are, the real flex is what you stand for.
