Ask Nay
Name: Anonymous
Age: 30
Darling readers,
We have our very first ‘Ask Nay’ advice submission. How exciting!
I wanna take a second to thank our mystery man for sharing his story with us. The entire reason I started this blog was to let people know they aren’t alone, and that we all experience many of the same things with dating and relationships. So thank you for your openness, and for entrusting me with your feelings. I hope I can give you some guidance, perspective, or at the very least, comfort. And if even one other person can relate to your story, I’d call that a win!
This submission explores the guilt that comes with ending a relationship, even when it feels like the right choice.
“Dear Nayomi
I recently ended a relationship of almost two years, and I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt over my decision. My ex-partner supported me through some incredibly challenging times and made many sacrifices to be with me, which makes it even harder to reconcile my choice.
One of the things I feel most conflicted about is how much she helped me during my health decline and a life-and-death surgery, and I feel deeply indebted to her for that support.
We had already been facing difficulties in our relationship when we moved to a new city so that I could receive this surgery. Prior to moving, she asked me if I still wanted a future with her. I told her couldn’t see past the surgery at that point, which was true.
Deep down I had been feeling for some time that the relationship wasn’t right for me, but I held on to the hope that things would improve. I thought that feeling might change if external circumstances shifted for us. We both hoped that this new chapter in a new city—along with her new job and life after my surgery—might help us turn things around, but ultimately things stayed more or less the same.
Looking back, I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts sooner. But I loved her more than I ever loved anybody else in my life. And I was going through a life-or-death health challenge and was just scared. I know both she and I gave everything we had into it. And often I think we put more energy into the relationship than we probably should have in terms of time and energy.
I’d really appreciate your advice on how to cope with this guilt and how to move forward from here. I know the decision was for the best in the long term, but it’s hard to let go of the feelings of responsibility and indebtedness.
Best,
Anonymous”
Dear Anonymous,
First, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to end a relationship when you know deep down that it’s the right thing, even when it feels unbearably hard. Guilt is a natural part of this process, especially when the person you’re parting from has played such a pivotal role in your life, as your ex clearly did. I see how much thought and care you’ve already put into this, and that alone speaks volumes about your character and the respect you still hold for her.
It’s clear you were navigating so much more than just the complexities of a relationship. Your health challenges and moving to a new city were monumental life shifts. In the midst of that, it’s understandable that your instincts were clouded by the immediate need to survive and stabilize. It wasn’t fair to her if you were already having doubts, and it’s important to take accountability for that. In the future, you can strive to be more objective and honest when those feelings arise. That said, none of us who haven’t faced a life-and-death situation can fully grasp what you were experiencing. Sometimes, we make decisions with the hope that time, change, or new circumstances will offer clarity or a different outcome. That hope doesn’t make you unkind or dishonest; it makes you human.
Remember that your head and heart are two different things. Knowing something in your head—like knowing that ending a relationship is the right call—doesn’t make it any easier when your heart is still in it. The pain, guilt, and mixed feelings are all valid and a reflection of how much this relationship meant to you.
What stands out to me is the love and gratitude you feel for her. You don’t owe her a lifetime to repay what she gave you—you already honored her through the love you shared and the ways you supported each other during the good times and challenging times. It’s important to remember that the things she did—choosing to move, helping you when you needed it most, loving you, and caring for you—were her choices. These are things no one should do out of obligation or expectation, but because they genuinely want to. Acts of love and care shouldn’t be held over anyone’s head, and they’re not transactional. You can still feel deeply grateful for everything she gave without carrying the guilt alongside it.
I know this guilt feels overwhelming, but it’s also a sign that you cared deeply. Now, it’s about reframing it. Instead of seeing your decision as a betrayal or a failure, recognize it as a moment of honesty—one that allows both of you to move toward futures that are more aligned with your true selves.
God knows (and everybody knows), I took wayyy too long to end my first serious relationship. I knew it wasn’t right, but my judgment was clouded by mixed emotions, and I wanted so badly for it to work. I guess you could say I was drunk off a love & guilt cocktail. Looking back, I barely recognize that person. Over the years, I’ve gotten better at listening to my intuition and cutting things off when I see it’s not going where it should. It’s been a journey, and you’re starting yours.
Relationships are one of our greatest teachers. While this experience feels heavy now, it can serve as a guide for future relationships. You’ve gained a deeper understanding of yourself, your needs, and the importance of trusting your intuition when something doesn’t feel right. You’ll be more equipped to recognize those feelings sooner and take action in a way that’s honest and compassionate—for both yourself and your partner.
So go easy on yourself, Anonymous.
With love,
Nay
Dating 101 Key Take Aways:
1) Remember that your head and heart are two different things, and to give yourself grace when you feel guilty.
2) Acts of love and care shouldn’t be held over anyone’s head, and they’re not transactional.
3) Each relationship helps us better understand our needs and teaches us to trust our intuition, so we can make honest and compassionate choices more quickly in the future.
Got a crush that makes you blush? A love story that’s a bit… complicated? Or maybe you just need a lil chat with your self-appointed love guru (💁🏽♀️)? Well you’re in the right place! Whatever you’re going through, I’m here to help you and guide you, just like I would with my best friends 🫶🏽✨ If you’re in need of honest, authentic advice, or just need some fun tips, I’m your girl!
Send your submissions with your (fake) name, age, and location so my response can be perfectly tailored to you.
Asknayday@gmail.com
