*Ben, 34- It’s not you, it’s me
Pros:
Smart
Adventurous
Super touchy and affectionate
Great stories
Really into me
Cons:
Kind of a short king (not really a con just not my preference)
Missing a spark
Welcome back readers ;)
Last season you followed me on my journey as I went from sexless in the suburbs, to summer of European lovers. What a wild ride. I bumped into a stranger on a bar balcony, which turned into a vacation fling, which turned into-oops, catching feelings.
(Rule #1: Don’t catch feelings for your vacation fling)
Anyway, summer is over, and it’s back to reality. (And back to online dating f*cking kill me).
Anyway, I did have a date lined up from before I left, so it was finally time to meet… Ben!
Ben and I matched on Hinge before I left for my trip and he was realllly cool. He’s an engineer for National Geographic which is so badass. I LOVE guys that are SMART and ADVENTUROUS, and his job description alone checks off both those boxes. His pictures were him like exploring glaciers and rock climbing and doing all sorts of outdoorsy sh*t. One of his prompts was his best travel story, which was getting swept out to sea in the Mozambique Channel and needing a dive boat rescue, and like thaaaat’s what I’m talking about!! Let’s gooo!! A little fun, a little adventure, a little ~danger. Usually I’m the one with the fun travel stories… aka like when I forced my friends to wear cute desert outfits in Petra, inspired by Sex and the City 2 (the movie), and we didn’t know we had to ride a horse and then hike up and down some cliffs while wearing jumpsuits….. and I was wearing all white and had to sit my ass on the red rocks and slide down bc my sandals had no traction…. :D See? It’s fun (and rare) for me to find someone with better stories than me.
Anyway, we messaged on hinge a bit and then exchanged numbers.
B: Hi Nayomi, this is Ben with Futures Inc. Do you have a minute to chat about how YOU can become a real estate MILLIONAIRE (shooting star emoji)
B: Just kidding, don’t block me (yet)
Oooooo that was funny, we love that!
We decided to meet at Junction in Chevy Chase (Chevy Chase was quickly becoming the best “meet me in the middle” spot between the suburbs and most of the guys I was dating that were living in DC). Unfortunately I had just gotten my Covid booster and felt like I got hit by a car. So, I had to cancel………
We decided to postpone until after I got back from my trip and he was super nice about it. But…….. I think it was doomed before it even started. And it wasn’t his fault at all.
I just had to detox Jamie out of my system, and didn’t really have time to do that before I met up with him. I think I also thought that aggressively moving forward with my dating plans would help speed up the process of shaking off these feelings. Okay, it wasn’t even like deep feelings, but it was for sure a crush.
Whatever- so I met up with Ben and we actually had a really good date. He kind of had a hot nerd vibe. He was really handsome, brown hair, brown eyes, medium build but still fit. Have you guys heard of fox pretty, cat pretty, bunny pretty, deer pretty for girls? Apparently they have it for boys now too, which is like, eagle handsome, bear handsome, dog handsome and reptilian handsome. He’s like dog handsome. Refer to this tiktok. We sat at the bar and I asked him about work and what exactly he did. He makes the equipment that the photographers take on their expeditions and then goes with them in case things break, he’s there to fix them!! I mean how cool? I was really impressed with him and he was impressed by… how hot I was LOL. He was visibly freaking out. He was like, turning red…
It was sweet though… We would be talking and he would take a deep breath and literally look away and be like “Sorry, wow, you’re just really…. wow.. sorry, what was I saying?”
(Okay this feels kinda weird to write about myself but those are his words not mine so don’t shoot the messenger).
He was also dying over how good I smelled and… tbh I think there are girls that just always smell f*cking amazing (like Rihanna), and I’m not one of them. Like I only started trying to up my perfume game in the last 6 months. Like I think I smell.. idk neutral, not bad or good. But I think I have some crazy strong pheromones because guys tell me all the time that I smell amazing… and will be like deeply inhaling my neck and head and and wrists… and girls literally never tell me that lol (sos girls drop your perfume reccs).
He was basically intoxicated by ME, which would have been really hot if was physically into him in the same way… but I just kinda… wasn’t..
We talked about our siblings, and where we grew up and like regular first date stuff. And the whole thing was perfectly decent. Once he worked up the courage to put his hand on my thigh we kind of got closer and kissed and he was a super good kisser too. Here’s the problem though… I just wasn’t like mentally there….
Every time I blinked I had a flashback of kissing Jamie, or waking up with Jamie, or laughing with Jamie or being bent over the kitchen counter by Jamie. F*ck my life really.
Whatever- the date was good… He was really nice and interesting, and I loved how touchy he was…. I just wished he was a bit more….. funny?… Obviously the way to win me over is to make me laugh, and I gained a soft 4 pack (not visible) from laughing so much in Lisbon.
But like, first dates can be nerve-racking, and I was also sensing I was on the higher end of hotties he’s pulled so he was probably extra nervous..
He walked me to my car and gave me theee most passionate goodbye kiss. Woah woah woah, whereee did this come from?? He was giving cute hot nerd energy before, and this was giving “I know what I’m doing” energy. It’s not just the kiss but like where they put their hands, how tight they hold you… it’s like the whole thing, and I was…… very present in that moment. WowZa… I wasn’t expecting that.
B: (as he held my face) When can I see you again?
SHEEESHHHH… when guys ask to plan the second date, ON the first date….. fire.
Okay so, this little surprise ending really shook me and I was thinking, I need to really give this a chance. Like get out of my head and back to reality. He was a good guy and he really deserved an actual chance.
……
The second date was……… meh…
Honestly it’s not just him. I have rarely gone on a second date that’s as good or better than the first. It’s always a bit underwhelming or falls a bit flat. The place he wanted to take me was closed on Tuesdays and he suggested a few other places with the disclaimer that he’s never been to them. I chose the one I hadn’t been to already because I wanted to try something new…. and this was… a big mistake. I think we should have gone somewhere where one of us had been before………..
This place felt SO sterile and just had a weird vibe. I think it’s good to know where you’re going and go with a friend beforehand and do a vibe check or something, because the environment plays a huge part on dates… and yeah, this just wasn’t it. But whatever…… he was really happy to see me, and I was….
trying…
Idk I think that was the problem… I felt like I had to try. Like try to keep the conversation flowing, try to keep interest, try to be in the moment. I really don’t wanna sound obsessive, but I do think it’s, normal that once you have a good experience, you kind of use it as a benchmark and compare other things to it. And this just felt very different from the time I spent with Jamie. I never had to try. I always felt like I was having dinner with a friend- it was effortless.
I did learn some more cool things about him though… like he’s a PILOT.. WHAT!?? That is soooooo unbelievably cool and hot (I’ve always wanted to join the mile high club). And it’s just awesome when people have these like really interesting hobbies. Like in my down time I watch Netflix, and in your down time you fly planes.
He asked if we could get a drink after dinner and I was up for it. I hated the bar we went to though. It was kind of close to his apartment so…. I think it was a strategic decision on his part, but this bar was nottttt my vibe. I’m a cocktail/rooftop/lounge girly, not a beer/dive bar/ pub girly. I got a white wine and we sat outside and talked. I loved how he was like squeezing my thigh, it felt like a little massage. It was an okayyy date. Again, usually my second dates aren’t as good as the firsts, and I kind of already knew I wasn’t into it enough to keep seeing him. It was also getting kind of late and I wanted to go home. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place for a nightcap (sureeee broooo).. and I said I should probably head home.
On cue….. my mom calls me. And oh my God………. it was SOOOOOOOOOO embarrassing. So my parents had been traveling a ton and I guess while they were gone they forgot that I was approaching 30, and my mom calls me and asks when I’m planning to be home………………………………………….. -_-
Ya’ll when I say I was EMBARRASSED…. I was like ………….. really f*cking embarrassed. It was like a little past midnight. And you know when someone is next to you on the phone and they’re not even on speakerphone but you can still literally hear the whole convo?
I’m like trying to play it cool, like “yeah, we’re just getting a drink after dinner” and he can literally hear her saying “Okay, well it’s late, don’t get too late… you have work tomorrow”………………………. As if I’m not a grown ass adult that’s been getting myself to work for years already. omfg. I was mortified.
And that’s on having Asian parents that will not sleep until you’re home.
It comes from a place of love, but I was sooo annoyed lol. I think everyone I know that’s moved back in with their parents after living independently has gone through some variation of their parents driving them crazy… but I wasn’t expecting a mid date call…. that was- a lot, even for them…. No words….
N-E- Wayyyyy….
As annoyed as I was, parents have some spot on instincts because now I kind of had a reason to wrap up this date. Would I have preferred to do it on my own without looking like an actual freak? Yes… but whatever, it is what it is.
We said bye but I could tell he was superrrr disapointed I didn’t go over. But I also kinda hated that. I don’t have to come over just because we went on two dates. He didn’t say it or anything, it was just obvious from his face and body language.
So…. I was really really meaning to text him in the next few days and let him know that it was really nice spending time with him but I wasn’t really feeling a ~romantic connection, blabla awkward “I'm not that into you” text. He texted me and I was just waiting for the right time to respond (fyi there is no right time).
And there was really nothing wrongggg with him… my mind was just… somewhere else. Unfortunately for him and for me.
And somehow… idk if it’s because I felt bad or was nervous, I kind of kept… pushing it off. And then I got busy with work or friends or whatever other excuses people use when they say they’re busy. And then I actually just kind of forgot about it. And like 3 weeks later when I remembered, I felt even worse because I essentially ghosted the guy, and he was super nice and didn’t deserve that.
So I was that asshole.
I had been pretty respectful in my short time in the dating game up until then.
But I guess it’s true…
You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Dating 101 Key Take Aways:
Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. This time, I was the one that wasn’t mentally or emotionally available to someone great. There will be times I’m on the other end of that, and I just have to remember that people have their own things going on… and not take it personally.
