M: Damn…. You’re filling me up with testosterone (laughing). I feel like I’m pumped for my game tomorrow.

We were both laughing.

Then I realized- Oh shit, I’m supposed to meet up with my friends.

Nolan put one arm around me while the group was talking. I didn’t mind at all. Then he leans into my ear and says “can I have a kiss?”

Me: NOLAN!???

I looked at him in surprise, almost disbelief, but I was also laughing. I mean I wouldn’t put it past him to at least try. I know my chickens.

N: Ahaha okay, okay… half kiss? You can say no.

So whatever, we keep talking and he was just soooo nice and cute. Like he just had this really balanced, centered energy. Kind, fun, generous, handsome, smart, amazing job. It was like my dress was unzipping itself….

Just because we got on as friends doesn’t mean I was looking for more. Like, ever.

I mean, I know I can’t trust what guys say. Words are just words. We can say, fine- trust actions not words. But in my experience, I haven’t been able to trust actions either.

Me: What are you talking about? Planes? Helicopters? ….Drones?
He slightly shook his head. (he was already annoying me at this point but damn, good looking people get away with a lot. Life is not fair)
Me: Hot air balloons?
D: You know there’s other things that fly right?
Ew that was kinda condescending

I said sure without even thinking. As soon as I said it I was like, “what the f*ck… how do I get out of this.” I was just hoping he’d never text me. My friend was looking at me so confused because she knows he’s not the kind of guy I would be into…

After a while I was feeling …. idk I was just feeling. I knew these moments were fleeting. They would become memories… eventually distant memories. This happens to me a lot though.. even with my friends… anticipatory nostalgia. Missing something before it’s over. (Not very Buddhist live in the present of me). I kinda just wanted to slow down time... I got out of my chair and sat on his lap. But like… facing him so we could keep talking. It feels weird to say this now…but at the time, between the talking and kissing… it was like nothing outside of that balcony existed. I was in a blissful bubble.

It was an intimate 5 days. It definitely wasn’t like super romantic. It felt more like a trip with one of your best friends. Like effortless and funny. But still intimate. 5 days of pretty much doing everything together.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely caught feelings, and was wrestling with those feelings when I got back. But, he just didn’t seem that interested… so… I tried to get over that sh*t…

… and to be fair I think he was kind of uncomfortable because he is really tall and that car is kind of tiny in the back. So mid make out he’s like “Ow my leg” …which is so Spongebob lol.

He was also dying over how good I smelled and… tbh I think there are other girls that just always smell f*cking amazing (like Rihanna), and I’m not one of them.

I walked into the living room and he was already laying down… he looked sleepy. He opened up his arm and I just laid down next to him. No words… just one of those things where you don’t need words. We just cuddled and watched the documentary.

I was cooking the chicken and Jamie turned me around and kissed me. He kind of backed me into the wall near the stove and clocked his head and leaned in. (Ahhhh when guys tilt their head like that before kissing you aksjdfakjfh;kha;esjd). The make out was getting steamier than the chicken on the stove….

Me: “Well I guess it’s just not in the cards this time”

Sometimes you just have to accept defeat. I had so much fun with him, but probably would never see him again. Fun memory, new friend… I’ll take it.

My flight was at like 10- something, so I had planned on leaving at like 7. Around 5, I hear my phone buzz… Maybe my flight was delayed or something…

The whole gang pulled up in the Jeep a few hours later. Seb packed up all my things in a little bag. He was quiet, I could tell he was really sad.

I realized I love PDA. Some people hate it- totally fine, it’s not for everyone. But, I love it. And I’m not gonna be apologetic about it either. 8 billion people in the world and you choose one. Yeah, be obsessed with me and let me be obsessed with you.

This guy got to wake up next to a baddie, go do his meeting, and then come right back to a baddie (yeah, even if I looked like a little crackhead, I’m still a bad b*tch). Then… out of nowhere, we hear his doorbell (wtf). I’m like… “are you expecting someone…?”

Me: “If this guy doesnt show up in 5 mins I’m stealing you and making you show me where to get some good food (laughing emoji)”